One year ago, I had a revelation.
When 2018 began, I vowed to write 365 love letters to myself — one every day for the entire year. I decided I’d share them on Instagram as a way of holding myself accountable.
The desire to document my human experience through writing these letters began as a project rooted in self-connection but slowly transformed into me writing what I thought other people wanted to hear.
It was genuine at first. But over time I started deciding what I was going to write based on how many likes I thought I could get. I ended up stopping the whole process because “it didn’t seem to be making a difference,” — completely forgetting that the intention was not to make a difference in other’s lives, but my own.
Because of this, I said goodbye to Instagram — not because I thought I was above it or that it’s a terrible thing, but because I don’t align with the woman I want to be when I’m on it.
In Bali, I’d be strategically thinking about where I could take the most stunning photos instead of being present in the beauty around me.
More than once I’ve noticed myself thinking in Instagram captions — plotting out what I wanted to say to come across as real, genuine, witty, etc.
These things do not align with the woman I want to be.
I know I’m capable of doing the work to change my mindset and engagement with Instagram, but I’ve come to the conclusion that I don’t want to.
I don’t want to use Instagram to connect with my loved ones.
I don’t want to use Instagram to grow my business.
I don’t want to use Instagram to get validation of what I’m doing.
I want to connect with my loved ones, grow my business, and give myself validation without Instagram.
So, back to a year ago.
I woke up early and decided not to check my phone.
I grabbed a cup of coffee, my journal, my book — snuggled up into my couch and kept writing until I had nothing left to say.
One year ago I decided to come home to myself.
My friend, you can never stray too far away that you can’t come home again.
Below is the letter I wrote to myself that morning. I’m sharing this letter with you, not as a means for praise, but to remind you that no matter how misaligned you feel, you can always come back home.
I’ve missed you. I’ve been thinking about you and how we can exercise presence. I’ve been searching, trying to connect and come back to you.
My love, never forget that we are the answer. This fear of missing out on other people’s lives is not nearly as important as the fear of missing out on our own.
My love, we are The Sun. We provide the warmth and the light. We are the center of our own universe.
Instead of choosing to focus on who we should be, what if we focused on who we want to be?
What if we poured into ourselves the way we pour into those around us?
What if, for one year, we went ham on prioritizing what we really want? Not by focusing on the future, but by making the next right decision for us in the present.
My love, changing ourselves for the better cannot be rooted in someone else. We cannot change for outside praise or recognition. We must decide we want to change for ourselves.
My love, you are already the woman you’ve dreamt of being. Right now. Exactly as you are and I am so proud of you for it.
I love you.
I am here for you.
I am home with you.